She looked me in the eye, and I could hear the desperation in her voice.
"Do you need any psychological support?" she said with a fake confidence.
"No..I'll be fine" I responded, sheepishly.
"Okay, well you know where we are should you need us.."
I so rawly wanted to say yes, breathe a sigh of relief, collapse in her arms and tell her that is all I have been waiting for. And she knew that.
You could tell by the look in her eye, that she had just asked a rhetorical question, one which covered a grey area. It wasn't fair. I wanted to say 'yes'. I wanted to say yes so badly.
What would she have said if I had answered 'yes'? I often wonder. You can imagine; eyes diluting, pure guilt spreading across her face the moment she realised she had promised something that was simply not possible.
Is there some magical door that could have been unlocked with mental health support services for people with type one diabetes? Would it have lead me down a path of type one specific CBT, one to one therapy or peer support groups? Because that would be the ideal wouldn't it? Just identifying that those with long term health conditions need mental health support so desperately, that it is a thing.
"Have you had counselling or CBT before?" she tentatively asked.
The fact was I had, a year previous, but it was no thanks to diabetes. Maybe she was hoping I had some mindfulness experience or my own self soothing toolbox. It's not the same, though. Like giving a child a toy, when all they need is a comforting hand.
It would have been a different appointment if she offered some psychological support, and instead of feeling deflated and let down, maybe I would have left feeling empowered and had some way of moving forward.